Personal Experience with a Narcissist
To start, anyone can fall into an accidental relationship with a narcissist. It is much easier than outsiders may think. It may be easy to look in and see the red flags, but when you are being manipulated you become confused. This post will be about my personal experience in a relationship with a narcissist. I won’t be able to get into too many details due to legal reasons, but I hope this can help you reading if you are in this situation.
A relationship with a narcissist can start just like any other relationship. You think the guy or girl is cute and has a charm to them and you want to see more. In my case, he fit the perfect image of what a man and future husband should look like. He had a house, decent income, he was older, and had a close family. I was 21 when we started dating and always wanted to experience success; because of his “status”, I thought he could give that to me.
In the beginning, the relationship was fun and exciting! I thought I was finally with my future husband who could also give me the image I wanted. He was nice and romantic, sending me roses and taking me to dinners! I thought I was in a fairy tale. Everything I had dreamed of was coming true! Through the relationship, it seemed like we were really in love. Until I started to notice that I was sad all the time. I had no idea why I was always so down when I was alone. There was this disappointing feeling that I just couldn’t shake or understand.
This is when I began to deny what I was feeling. I also started to notice and deny signs of emotional abuse. He was bulldozing over our conversations (talking over me or interrupting and implying what I was saying didn’t matter) and would knock me down, then pick me back up. In other words, he would insult me and then compliment me. I found myself chasing this high that I felt in the beginning. That same feeling attached to that vision, but it was hopeless. It never came. After breaking it off with him, more of the insults came out. That I wasn’t going to amount to anything, that I was a whore, that I had an awful family, and that I would be absolutely nothing without him.
Then comes round 2. I agreed to talk to him about what happened. He knew communication was important to me and used that to his advantage. In the moment, I thought the conversation was groundbreaking, that he had really changed into a better person. Nope! After looking back, I talked and he barely said anything. We started dating again having the same high feeling attached to that original vision.
Family and Control
By the end of the second round of dating, he started planting this seed in my head about my family. He started to drive a wedge between me and my family (knowing that they were seeing the red flags). I started to think that I should no longer speak to my father because he didn’t approve of our relationship (my dad, Ken, saw the red flags from the beginning). My dad and I started arguing regularly. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t see how much I “loved” my narcissist. All of the arguing drove me right back to my narcissist. It was interesting because when I was asked why I “loved” the narcissist, I couldn’t come up with any real reasons.
Control was another sign. He started demanding he get a key to my apartment because I was getting a new roommate (needing control). He demanded that I stop modeling unless I get paid bigger money for it (needing control), that I quit my job because it wasn’t good enough (needing to control image), and I wasn’t allowed to have guy friends (needing control).
We eventually broke up because of his emotional abuse to me and physical abuse to my little sister. He was flirting with another girl right in front of me and told me I was a b**** for not being cool with it. Of course the same insults came with it. It went on worse from there. After this incident (a day or two before Christmas by the way) I was convinced I was done and I would never go back. That Christmas with my family was filled with sorrow and pain. To this day I feel ashamed for having to put my sister in harm’s way and my family through the pain.
Further along came the third round! This time was very similar to the last. I came back into his life feeling lonely. He reached out saying he wanted to talk about what happened once again. I said no. He needed the control back and won me over with surprise roses and expensive dinners once again. At the time, I thought these were signs of a changed man, but now I know otherwise. There was a little something different about this time. A few weeks in he started repeatedly trying to convince me he wasn’t cheating on me. THIS WAS A RED FLAG. Especially because I never accused him of cheating. I started noticing more signs and listening to my father. At the end of just two short months, I broke it off for the last time.
We went to a public place to talk. I went with intention of breaking up with him, but decided to talk to be kind and give him one last chance. He couldn’t win me over this time. I left to meet with the friends who helped me gather the courage to break up with him for a drink to celebrate. Then, I went home to sleep for an early start to the next day. In the middle of the night, he entered my apartment while I was sleeping. I can’t go into detail for legal reasons, but it was terrifying.
I have an experience with a Narcissist. Any advice?
Please notice the signs. Please listen to the friends and family that care about you. Watch for the red flags. Know that you are strong enough to leave and be in control of your own life. Don’t chase after the hope that your narcissist will get better. Don’t continue to hope the relationship will be happier. Listen to your gut. There was something off that I couldn’t quite place in the beginning. That little voice that was saying “abort mission”. Listen to it. Your gut can get you out of a bad situation before you know you’re in it.
If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a narcissist and needs help, please contact us.